River Versus the Incapacitated Merc
by tectrices
Summary: //Gen. Version// Jayne gets roped into a bad situation, but he knows he's bound to get out of it soon. Enter River. There is rescue and unmerciful teasing.


**Disclaimer:** I do not own _Firefly/Serenity_.

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**Title:** River Versus the Incapacitated Merc  
**Characters/Pairing:** River Tam, Jayne Cobb - no pairing  
**Rating:** PG-13  
**Summary:** Jayne gets roped into a sticky situation. And River only wishes she had a capture with her.  
**Date:** 28 January 2009

**-A/N: **This was written around Christmas from a prompt given by helgatwb on LJ. (I had a sort of present thing goin' on.) It's funny - really funny, I think, but obviously I'm biased. Heh. And if you get any ideas that this is based off an episode of Chuck (Chuck Versus the Wookie)... Then you would be completely correct - that's exactly where I got the idea. Heh. This is the gen. version of this, but - being the Rayne-iac that I am - I have a 'shipping version of it, too. The link's at the bottom if anyone would care to read it. (Didn't post it here because it's got that adult content.) Enjoy, everyone!

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**River Versus the Incapacitated Merc**

River had become accustomed to strange sights. In her line of work – piloting and the art of good old-fashioned crime – the occasional strange sight was just part and parcel. Add into that equation the incontrovertibly bad luck of one Malcolm Reynolds at the helm of it all and it was no surprise that, over the course of her time as an active member of _Serenity_'s crew, she'd been faced with her fair share of very strange sights.

This, however, had to take the cake.

"Jayne?"

She could hardly believe her eyes, but there was Jayne, sitting backwards in a small wooden chair wearing only boxer shorts and a long length of rope. She'd expected to catch him napping, maybe watching something on the Cortex since the rooms were all equipped with a connection. It had crossed her mind that he might be with a woman, but she'd hoped – and hoped _hard_ - that wouldn't be the case.

"See why you could not meet us," River said archly as she stared at him, sticking her pistol back into its holster. "Man-called-Jayne was… tied up with other things."

He growled through the handkerchief tied across his mouth.

River smirked at him and stepped further into the room, giving the door a light kick with the toe of her boot. Jayne's clothes were strewn about beside the messy, unmade bed. His three guns were laid neatly on the dresser, in a line from largest to smallest. There was still a very faint hint of heavy, cheap perfume in the air. It didn't take a mind-reading genius to figure out what had probably happened.

"A very knotty situation," she mused, unable to keep from smiling at her puns. "What occurred?"

He glared at her as fiercely as he could, rocking the chair a little as he strained against the ropes.

"The girl can wait. Eventually you are _bound_ to answer."

Jayne growled again and River giggled to herself. It served him right, though; he was supposed to have been waiting in the bar downstairs in the event they needed back-up. He was getting angrier, though, as she continued showing no signs of coming to his rescue, and the pulsing waves were giving her a headache. So with a sigh, she walked over and ungagged him.

"What the hell took you so long?" he spat furiously, still straining to get free.

"Do not bite the hand that feeds," River snapped in response. "Not even obligated to help you. Man-called-Jayne should get himself out of the situation he wound up in."

"W-wait. I didn't say nothin' 'bout not helpin'. I, uh, can't exactly reach the knots, so maybe you could..." He looked at her a little pleadingly, twisting around as far as he could so she could see the large knots he'd been bound by. "Y'know. Lemme go?"

Sensing an opportunity far too rich to pass up, River sat down on the bed. "Those knots seem very strong. Perhaps Captain Daddy would be a more efficient - "

"No! Girl, ain't no way you can let Mal see me like this. You untie me right the hell now, moonbrain, else I'm gonna - "

"Going to what?" she asked sharply. "Why should she expend effort? This is your own rutting fault, Jayne Cobb."

"No!"

"No? Elaborate."

"Well... Wasn't really my fault," he hedged. River scoffed and he scowled. She was sitting where he couldn't really see her, so he turned his head as far as it would go to give her a dirty look out of the corner of his eye. "It was the whores!"

"The whore's? It was the whore's fault?"

"Yeah! They all kind o'... swarmed. An' I was gettin' outta my clothes, right 'bout to start feelin' some o' the nicest tits I ever seen, when suddenly one o' them starts on about how it might be real nice for me t'sit an' watch while they had a little fun first. So I sat down real quick. But the next thing I know they were tyin' me up and stealin' all my coin!"

"And you allowed this?"

"Well..." He had the grace to look sheepish. "At first I thought it weren't nothin' but foreplay."

River rolled her eyes and muttered a few choice insults under her breath.

Jayne, growing increasingly frustrated, exhaled loudly and said, "Yeah, okay - ha ha, ain't it funny, let's have a laugh at big, dumb Jayne. Don't much give a good gorram how much y'laugh at me, but get me outta these ropes!"

She stood up and walked slowly over, stopping in front of him and putting her hands on her hips. "No."

"No?!"

"Negative. Will not comply. Have no intention of releasing you."

"Crazy, I'm - "

"The girl is not crazy!" she told him shrilly.

"Yeah y'are. If'n you think leavin' me here's the right thing to do."

She crossed her arms over her chest and stuck her nose in the air. "What you deserve," she informed primly.

"Gorrammit, what crawled up your ass? Y'ain't usually such a bitch."

She leaned towards him, glowering, her hands clenched into tight fists. "Silence! Am not being a bitch! Only want you to learn your lesson." Her eyes narrowed and she took another small step forward. "Best way... If only the girl had a capture. She could show the Cobb matriarch how proud her son must make her!"

"Hey! Leave my Momma out o' this! An' don't you dare even try t'tell her, 'cause she'll skin the hide right off me."

River shrugged. "Not my dilemma."

Jayne growled and started fighting harder, rocking the chair as he struggled. "You best watch it, 'cause when I get out o' here..."

She only looked on, vaguely amused. "You will what? Do another whore instead of your job?"

"Mal didn't need me! I was just blowin' off some steam while y'all were doin' the job! Ain't nothin' wrong with that."

"Well action has been completed," River told him petulantly. "So it is time to go back to the ship."

"Oh, yeah, right, then - lemme jus' get up and go back to the ruttin' ship!" he roared. "You best untie me right now you moonbrained little witch!"

"Man-called-Jayne should ask nicely if he wants to get his way."

That only made him twice as irate and he sputtered angrily in Chinese as he fought against his bonds. River sighed and crossed her arms. He was being very difficult.

"You are going to fall over."

"No, I ain't," he sneered. She only sighed again when, a moment later, he toppled to the floor.

"Told you so," she said.

"Don't gotta sound so smug, gorrammit."

She pulled out her small knife and knelt down between the legs of the chair. "Man-called-Jayne will owe me. Rescue comes at heavy price." She leaned over a little and put her arms across the chair back. "Say please?"

"I hate you," he said, nervously eyeing the knife she had clutched in her right hand.

"Not going to cut you," she chastised, frowning. "For the ropes."

"Oh, 'scuse me for bein' a mite put off. You, me an' knives always make such a great combo."

"Bygones, man-called-Jayne. Bygones." She leaned over further, her little face hovering above his. "Want only to improve you. Was very irresponsible to dally with those women when Captain Daddy and his albatross may have needed you."

"Now come off o' that," he whined. "I done told you I was just blowin' off some steam. Ain't had a chance to get trim in a long time. Ev'ry time I tried lately you come around tellin' me some sort o' go se about Mal needin' me for a job or a chore or somethin'. Y'might think you don't me to get to sex anybody."

"Your sex life is disgusting and not of interest to those of us with more refined tastes."

"Yeah, refined, what the hell ever." He sighed and stared up at her impassive face, weighing his options. "What do I gotta say to get you to let me outta here, huh, girl?"

"Once I obtain a promise you will not attempt to harm me upon regaining your freedom…"

His mouth quirked up on one side, glad to at last be making headway. "Yeah, what? You'll cut the ropes?"

River smiled. "I will consider releasing you."

Jayne pouted and rolled his eyes. "Y'know, I think you're enjoying this way too damn much. Kinky little rugrat, keepin' a fella all tied up."

"Cannot help that the situation is amusing." Her brow furrowed and she tapped on the handle of her knife. "And the girl has nearly reached her twentieth birthday." Her lower lip stuck out, just the slightest bit. "Not a _rugrat_. Middle-aged merc with rusted brainpan."

"I ain't even forty yet. Now look. If I promise I ain't gonna get mad or try to shoot you or nothin' will ya _please_ get me the fuck outta these gorram ropes?"

River sighed deeply, sounding positively drained of energy. "Very well, man-called-Jayne. We have an accord." She stood, and with a grunt she pulled the chair upright. Carefully she pulled the first coil of rope as far away from his body as she could and sliced it clean through. A few cuts more and he was free.

With a sigh of relief, Jayne stood up, letting the ropes fall to the floor. "That feels so ruttin' good," he said, stretching his arms.

"Hmm." River raised an eyebrow. "How quaint," she noted with a tiny smirk, pointing at his underwear. "Horseshoes."

"Was supposed to be lucky," Jayne grunted, going over to make sure his guns were unharmed. He gave each girl his undivided attention, gently surveying them all with reverent hands that knew them like they were extensions of his own body. River felt, momentarily, a pang that she didn't receive the same care.

Having completed the inspection to his satisfaction, Jayne turned back to face her. He did not look happy. "So we goin' back to the ship or what?" he asked darkly. "Since you seem so hell bent on me gettin' back to Mal and it sure don't look like I'm goin' to get time with a girl."

"Just redress and we will depart."

"Yeah, yeah. Hold on an' let - "

"Put your clothes on _now_, please."

"Huh." He crossed his arms and stared at her defiantly. "What's that? Think you can tell me what t'do, ni zi?" Something struck him suddenly and he grinned. "What's the matter? Too much man for ya? I makin' you uncomf'terble?"

River picked up his shirt and threw it at him.

"Fine," he growled. "Fine. Look - I'm gettin' dressed. Ya happy? Gorram." He pulled his shirt on over his head and then headed toward his pants. River tapped her foot impatiently as he put them on. "I'm goin' fast as I can, so why don't you calm the hell down?" He sat down and pulled his boots on, taking his time tying them.

"There!" River exhaled. "Now re-holster weapons and we'll be off."

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." He grunted and got his guns. "So c'n we go already?" River snarled and pushed him towards the door. Jayne stumbled a little, but he stepped out into the hall. "Don't gotta push me, you moonbrain; I'm goin'. An' by the way? Next time I think we ought to start with _you_ all tied up."

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Feedback and reviews - always appreciated.

If anyone wants to read a Rayne version (rated "R"), the link is: http:// community DOT livejournal DOT com /acidandink /34700 DOT html (with no spaces and actual dots)


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